Story #4 – d00d sow plz

So there I was.....minding my own business in The Overthere, when all of a sudden I se= e

the message: "d00d sow plz".

Of course, = my natural instinct was not to answer, since I thought the clueless newb =

(hereafter referred to politely as "the petitioner") must have been poorly informed at

best. =

Boy was I e= ver wrong.

I switch ou= t of 1st person into an external camera, and what did my wandering eyes

behold? Only myself and the petitioner.

So I says to myself...."Self? You need to edumacate this fella!"

(Keep in mi= nd what the overall setting looked like: There I was, in skeleton form, <= /o:p>

carrying a scythe, FLOATING IN MIDAIR IN A MEDITATING POSITION, with a LARGE

dark-brown skeleton named "Gibober" standing behind me. Ummm....No, skippy, =

I'm not a d= ruid or a shaman.)

I say "Wish I could, bro, but I don't have SoW. I'm a Necromancer."

The Petitio= ner says, "$#*&@#$ dick, sow me already! it's for a cr"

Feeling as = if my feathers had been ruffled a bit, I do a "/who all dumbass" (um..pardon..I

meant "/who all petitioner")

This is whe= re I discovered the "/who all" bug. Certainly it must have been a bug, right?

There's NO = WAY IN CREATION the dumbas...err...petitioner could have been a level

31 Dark Elf Wizard, right???? RIGHT????? /em begins to cry like a little girl.

Well, needl= ess to say, I couldn't have been any more shocked than if my pet began

dancing an Irish Jig. I quickly begin the arduous task of maintaining my composure, wh= ile

deciding how best to deal with this tricky situation.

I say, "Necromancer's can't cast SoW".

Petitioner says, "Bull@#$%! you cast a spell while you were running and you sped = up! i

couldn't ca= tch you until you sat down! if you're not going to sow me just say so you =

dont have t= o be a dick about it a$$hole"

Yes I know....he didn't use any punctuation in that last sentence.

I say, &quo= t;I have JBoots."

He says, "what are they"

Before I ha= ve a chance to pick my chin up off the floor....

Petitioner asks, "can you buff my hps my hp sux"

I say, &quo= t;I can't buff you, dude. I'm a necromancer. I only have one buff that you woul= d

probably want."

He says, "yeah the one you won't give me dick"

Ok. Time to have fun with the hopelessly clueless.

I say, "Why do you need a sow?"

He says, "i need to get to burned woods to hunt. sumbody said its perfect for my level"

Yep. That's what he said......"burned woods".

I say, "man are you ever in the wrong place."

He says, "?"

Apparently = he found the "question mark" key conveniently located nearby other various

and sundry communication facilitators.

I didn't an= swer him.

He repeats, "??"

Found it twice...good for him.

He repeats, "???"

Having an IQ greater than plantlife, I sensed a pattern forming.

I say, "You are NO WHERE near Burned Woods."

He says, "my friend told me it was in kunark"

I say, "Yeah, the operative word there is 'WAS'. There was a major patch a co= uple of

months ago after a bunch of complaints were filed about 'static content'." <= /o:p>

He says, "?"

I say, "!"

He says, "?"

I say, ","

He says, "***"

I say, "no, already have some."

He says, "????"

I don't respond.

He says, "so where the @#$% is burned woods"

He lost the question mark button again. Probably popped off when he was sniffing his

feet. =

I say, "Well, THIS week it's south of Freeport. It changes with every patch, since they

began randomizing zone locations."

My guild is hysterical at this point. And I haven't even told them the ENTIRE story yet= .

Just snippe= ts.

He says, "@#$% i just got off the boat"

I say, "You don't need the boat."

He says "why"

I say, "You're a wizard!"

He says, "how you know that"

I say, &quo= t;I did a /wh...nevermind....the important thing is you have teleportation spells."

He says, "oh yeah the green ones"

I nod.

I say, "Yep. The 'green ones'. Pretty nice how you have them grouped by color."

He says, "thx"

I say, "How'd you think about doing it that way?"

He says, "they were all @#$%## up when i got this char" =

I say, "Sit down and mem the spell 'Fay Gate'."

He says, "why"

Question ma= rk key is on the ground in front of your chair, guy. Mixed in with your <= /o:p>

collection = of boogers.

I say, "It's going to put you within spitting distance of Burned Woods."=

He says, "how do you know"

I say, "All patch messages come with a zone connection map." =

He says, "oh"

I say, "Ok. You have it memmed now?"

He had just stood up after what I assumed was meditating/looking at his spell book.

He says, "yeah"

I say, "Ok. Cast the spell and let me know when you get there."

Dumba...err= r....Petitioner begins to cast a spell.

A LONG time goes by.....ok, maybe 5 minutes

I still hav= en't heard from him.

Getting curious:

I tell petitioner, "Are you there yet?"

No reply. No reply at all. [Yes, I'm a Genesis fan... ]

Obviously h= e's there, or my tell wouldn't have gone through.

I tell petitioner, "Hit the 'r' key to reply to me." <= /p>

He replies, "i'm here now where do i go."

Right idea....wrong punctuation mark. Oh well. "C" for effort.

I tell petitioner, "Ok, do you see a hotkey on the screen that says 'Sense Heading'?"

He replies, "no"

I reply, "Hit the arrow buttons one by one until you see one." =

It was a gu= ess, but an educated one.

He replies, "found it"

I reply, "Click on it."

He replies, "north"

I reply, "Ok, you need to head east along the path. Keep going until the path t= urns north.

When it for= ks to the right, take the right fork."

He replies, "ok"

Who knows, maybe the guy who sold his account on Ebay worked his Felwithe faction up. =

He replies, "sumbody told me i shouldnt be here cause i'm a dark elf"

I reply, "They were roleplaying."

He replies, "oh hehe @#$%@#$ morons ;P"

Priceless. Utterly priceless, I tell you.

I reply, "Where are you?"

He replies, "i see something now. looks like a castle"

I reply, "Run into the castle as fast as you can. The guards might give you some trouble,

just keep running."

Yeah...damn= ed conscience started kicking in.

A fairly lo= ng period of time passes. Not sure how long, but longer than I was expecting. =

I tell petitioner, "What happened?"

As if I did= n't know....

He replies, "my spells are gone!"

I reply, "What happened?"

He replies, "i died why"

I reply, "Oh man! Did I tell you to run east or west?" <= /p>

He replies, "east ***???"

I reply, "Yikes. My bad. You should have run west."

He replies, "?"

I reply, "So where are you now?"

He replies, "how can i tell"

I reply, "Look right after you see 'Loading please wait'. It should tell you 'Y= ou have

entered [zone]'."

He replies "it doesnt say [zone] there."

After smack= ing my head against my monitor....

I reply, "What does it say in place of [zone]?".

Get this...= .

He replies, "Burning Woods"

I nearly fe= ll out of my chair! I couldn't have PLANNED it that way!

He replies, "is that the same as burned woods"

I reply, "No, but you're close. Start running south so you can get your corpse back."

He replies, "i have to get my corpse back?????"

/ignore petitioner

Moral of the story: EBay...Just Say No!

Out of sheer curiosity, I took him off ignore later to find out what happened.

I tell petitioner, "How's it going?"

He replies, "***? where you been"

I reply, "been afk, sorry."

He replies, "got my corpse back. some dude rezzed me."

My conscien= ce somewhat eased...

I reply, "Really? Cool! Where are you now?"

He replies, "iceclad ocean"

I scratch my head a few times.

I reply, "Why Velious?"

He replies, "the guy that rezzed me told me burned woods was in western wastes thi= s

week" =

I don't rec= all exactly how long it took me to stop laughing. I stopped breathing shortly <= o:p>

before my d= og dialed 911.

He replied, "@#$%&* wouldnt sow me either. what is that sh#$ gold?" =

That's what finally killed me. I'm writing this from the afterlife. <= /p>

-----------= ---------------------------------------------------------------------<= /o:p>

"This = is the follow up story from the cleric who rezzed him near Felwithe.

Friend of m= ine digged it up, probably on the same necro side. "

Here comes = some idiot Dark Elf running past me, running straight down the road

that is goi= ng to lead him to Felwithe. I scratch my head, and being the nosey<= /span>

sort of Dwa= rf that I am...I send him a tell.

I tell the = DE, "Wait"

DE tells me, "?"

I sigh into= my ale as I take another longt draught off of it before running up<= /span>

to him and saying, "Ye really don't wanna go messin around over there with them

High Elves' They look like pansies, but they aint."

The DE stan= ds there with a vacant look on his face for a few minutes before just

running awa= y. Do a /who on the DE and find out he's 31st level. Ok, so maybe he

knows what = he's doing. I've seen Ogres in North Freeport, after all. I go back <= /span>

to drinking= my ale.

Out of curiosity, I send him another tell a few minutes later. <= /p>

I tell the = DE, "Not gettin' into any trouble over there are ye?"

DE tells me, "**** !@#$% roleplayer"

I sigh into= my ale again, finishing it off. Ah, tis the season of the twit. I <= /span>

stand up and head towards Felwithe to resupply my ale.

Just as I g= et to the gates of the ugliest city on Norrath, what do I find but a

dead dark e= lf and a pair of guards snickering and cleaning their weapons. Now =

this is priceless.

I do a /who= on the poor soul and see he is in Burning Woods. Being the sucker <= /span>

that I am, I feel compelled to rez the twit...after all, I am a !@#$% roleplayer

and I rolep= lay a !@#$% cleric...albeit a !@#$% grumpy one.

I sit down = to mem Reviviscene and while I am waiting for it to refresh I send =

the DE a te= ll.

I tell the = DE, "Would ye like a rez?"

DE tells me, "no i want a !@#$% sow dumbas i have to run south to get my corpse

back so don= t be a dick and just sow me plz"

I look arou= nd for an ale but unfortunatly Brell hates me at this moment in time,

so I simply reply. "If I rez ya, ye wont need to run south to yer body. You will <= o:p>

appear at y= er body. I am not standing near you, I am standing near yer corpse."

DE tells me, "d00d rez plz"

As I sigh I look at my Holy Symbol of Brell and sigh "I'm gonna get a stout <= /o:p>

named after= me right?" and I tell the DE "Consent me so I can rez ya" but I= get

no reply. No reply at all. So I say it again "Consent me so I can rez ya"

DE tells me, "ok you can rez me"

I sit down again at this point. I have no ale and this is gonna take awhile. I

tell the DE, "Type /consent and my name" Being a smart dwarf I tell the DE,

"/cons= ent Cleric_01" and say again "Just like that" before he can make= my head

hurt more. =

Sure enough= , I recieve consent to drag his corpse. So I stand up and get ready =

to drag the corpse when suddenly I am denied permission to drag his corpse. I

begin to th= ink like him and I think "***?" So I tell the DE, "No...just typ= e it

once. One m= ore time. That's it. Dont type it again" thinking that as soon as I <= /o:p>

get this ov= er with, I can go buy more ale and my head will stop hurting.

I recieve consent and I quickly drag it towards the zone since this is the

direction t= he guy was going anyway. I get the body by the zone and cast Rez on

it, comfort= ed by the fact that I am one heal away from being done with this guy.

The naked DE appears in front of me and I stand up to cast my final spell of =

this exchan= ge when he says to me "your that !@#%% roleplayer" and then a moment=

later, almo= st as an afterthought "thx"

Compelled at this point, I ask "Why were you running into Felwithe when you are

KoS?" =

DE says, "I was going to burned woods"

I say, "Burning Woods?"

DE says, "no dumbass i go there when i die i want to hunt burned woods"

I say, "Who told you to go hunting in Burned Woods, inside Felwithe?"

DE says, "some dick who wouldnt sow me" and then "will you sow me plz, its for a

CR"

I stand the= re drooling on myself for a moment, trying to catch up. I havent had

an ale in a good 20 minutes at this point, so I am starting to see spots.

DE says, "dont be a dick just sow me before they move the zone again"

I stare at = the lad and ask "Move Burned Woods? Again?"

DE says, "yea"

I finally s= nap and say, "They aren't going to move it again. Once they moved it =

to Western Wastes, with all the snow, it stopped burning."

DE says, "i saw a burning tree"

I say, "Exactly my point. Now if they would only move Burning Woods there it =

would stop = too and people wouldn't go there when they die."

DE says, "can you sow me, its for CR"

I say, "sow doesnt work in IC until you get past EW and then it will work for=

CR's only u= ntil you get to WW, then ask the first person you see for sow there." =

I add as an afterthought "Sometimes they look like flying blue things but they

can sow&quo= t;

DE says, "***???"

I say, "Allow me to use smaller words. You do not need a sow yet. Do what I s= ay

and you'll = get there right away." and then "Sit down and mem the spell Bind

Affinity&qu= ot;

DE is silent for a bit and finally says "its red" as he is standing up

I say, &quo= t;I am glad they covered Colors this week. Now target yourself and cast

this spell. " He just stands there for a minute, so I add "it will r0ck"= and he

begins to c= ast the spell, binding himself behind the guards at Felwithe. I feel

somewhat be= tter already, maybe I dont need ale.

DE says, "it said bound" and begins to giggle

I say, "Now sit down and mem the spell Iceclad Gate. This will r0ck even more."

DE says, "this one is green"

I say, "You're damn good at those colors man"

DE says, "thx"

When the DE stands up I say "This is going to take you to Iceclad Ocean. It's an <= o:p>

ocean so th= at's why they moved Burned Woods there....to put it out."

DE says, "what about sow"

I say, "Remember that sow wont work until you are on a CR in WW. In fact you =

actually run faster in snow if you set the RUN button to WALK. Do that now." <= /o:p>

DE says, "ok"

I say, "Now cast Iceclad Gate....the Green one. Remember to run straight out = of

where you appear and dont stop swimming until you hit Burned Woods."<= /span>

DE begins to cast a spell and I zone in to get my ale....remembering that the

Ignore list cures most headaches that ale cant and feeling somewhat better about <= /o:p>

going back = to Sebilis.